Upsetting recipient experience

I just want to get some feedback.

I accepted a small donation from a woman whom I found out, in conversation when I picked up the milk from her, that she is a lesbian. Naturally, I was concerned about this fact and whether her milk would be safe for my baby. I learned from a fellow recipient on Milkshare (also a lesbian) that the risk of transmission of diseases like HIV between female homosexuals is extremely low compared to heterosexual couples. This made me feel better, but I still wanted to have reassurance because I was not sure if this was a committed lesbian relationship the person was in. So, I called the donor, and she reassured me that she was free of any disease that could be transmitted through the milk.

The donor got an email from me that I sent prior to the phone call, which addressed the issue of her being a lesbian. She read the email a few days after I called her (she was traveling so she wasn't able to read the email right away) She was extremely upset that I would even question that she was in a committed relationship. She proceeded to go off on me, claiming I should be more educated on HIV transmission between female homosexuals and should be more concerned about my straight donors than my gay ones. (Well, I've never had any other donors who are gay, this is my first!)

Now I am upset that I even accepted the milk from this person who went WAY overboard reading into my email. Too bad it is all consumed or I would've thrown it out (not because I was worried about the milk, I just have a problem accepting milk from someone with such a hurtful attitude) I am just upset that a person would be so angry with me when all I wanted to do was protect my daughter's health. I had NO problem accepting milk from a gay donor! All I wanted to know was that the milk was safe.

This person claimed I was being "hurtful and discriminatory" in my email, and all I asked her was if her lesbian relationship was committed. That is ALL I wanted to know! I didn't have a problem with her being gay!

I accepted a small donation from a woman whom I found out, in conversation when I picked up the milk from her, that she is a lesbian. Naturally, I was concerned about this fact

The donor got an email from me that I sent prior to the phone call, which addressed the issue of her being a lesbian.

I'm sorry, but the way you are wording things does imply that you had an issue with her sexuality. If your e-mail to her was worded anything like this post, I can't fault her for being offended even if that wasn't your intention.

Did you request blood work or health information before you accepted her milk or only after you found out that she was a lesbian? I don't think you were wrong to request her health information or even to ask whether or not she is in a committed relationship. If I were receiving milk, I would ask those questions of any of my donors regardless of their marital status or sexuality. I think that she probably took offense because you specifically asked if her lesbian relationship was committed rather than just asking if she was in a committed relationship.

Just my two cents.

I think you did just fine. It is hard to know what tone of voice people are using in emails and texts. This milk is going in your childs body, so you ask any questions you want to ask.

Here's the exact wording of my email, just so there is no confusion:

Hi Jennifer, hope you had a safe trip back to Pennsylvania. Danielle's doing really well with the milk. We still have 25oz or so left. In addition we're getting some more fresh milk from the local donor tonight, so she'll be swimming in fresh milk! She's been going through a bit more lately because she's become really picky with her solids. What a great way to celebrate World Breastfeeding Week!

I was a little bit embarrased to ask you the other night, but I wanted reassurance that your milk is safe as far as transmittable diseases go. I thought I heard you say you had a wife rather than a husband, which I am fine with as long as it is a committed, monogamous relationship.

And, you aren't the first person I've encountered that had this situation. I met someone else on Milkshare who is a fellow recipient, who is also in a committed lesbian relationship.

If I misheard you I sincerely apologize for the misunderstanding!

Ok, after reading your original e-mail, I think that maybe she did overreact a bit. Your e-mail was worded pleasantly enough that I don't think it could have been taken as an attack, I think she took what you said a bit too personally.

I think maybe she assumed that you wouldn't have asked if she was in a committed relationship if she were with a man and that's why she got offended. Either way, I'm sorry that you had a negative experience

I don't know. I kind of feel like, had she been in a heterosexual relationship, it sounds like you wouldn't have even asked her. If she had said "my husband", you wouldn't have been concerned at all. But because she said "my wife", you asked these questions. So I understand why she's offended. It would have been completely different had you asked her these questions BEFORE you knew her relationship or sexual status.

Veggiegymrat, you have a point. Out of all my donors, for some reason this donor worried me the most. But as it turns out, I actually have LESS to worry about with the gay donor, simply because the risk of HIV transmission is much less than with a straight donor. Simply because male sexual contact would increase the chance of transmission of HIV.

However, I have felt good about ALL my straight donors so I don't feel I have anything to worry about there. I have medical documentation, not on all of the straight donors, but a good number of them. One of them even donated to a milk bank.