How do you choose?

Hi, I'm new to MilkShare, and I'm planning on doing a one-time donation (as soon as I get my bloodwork paperwork). But I'm reading these posts, and how do you choose? Random, most sad story, closest to you? I feel as though if I chose one, then someone else suffers.

I'm sure you've already made your donation but I thought I'd share. I usually picked moms whose babies are closest in age with mine when the milk was pumped, ideally. I've asked moms to be able to come to me (or a mutually agreed location for the craigslist-wary) as there are sufficient recipients in my area that I do not need to ship. I often donated to women with whom I feel a sense of kinship. Since I've been a repeat donor, if I don't connect with someone, I won't donate to them again no matter the story line.

Some women seem to view the process as a mere transaction and it's more meaningful to me than that. Some seem to be going through the motions to get milk however they can and while I can appreciate their efforts on their children's behalf, I don't care for a quick thanks and no sense of appreciation. I have spent literally hundreds of hours pumping. This is time that I am not spending with my family or on my family. I would prefer to limit my donations to those who are grateful and who don't just look at me like a means to feed their child. I especially like the donors who have kept in contact and send me word every once in a while on how their children are doing on the milk.

Thank you for responding! I was beginning to think I might have offended people with my choice of wording. I frequent a popular message board, and etiquette is...interesting.

That makes a lot of sense, and I remember crying over the milk I had to toss because my baby didn't take the bottle. I'm still in the process, but if I don't hear back from her, I may just post saying it's available. I'd like it to be gone because looking at it makes me sad (don't ask me why - I'm thinking hormones), but I agree...I'd like it to be a fairly smooth and genuine exchange. I hope I find someone like you describe, who's thankful and doesn't make me feel taken advantage of.

Thanks again Jaz...if you have any pointers, I'd love to hear!

braveangel2

Well, if your baby still won't take the bottle, then perhaps looking at the milk is a reminder of a kind of failure? I also think about all the ice cream I could fit in the freezer ; )

In any case, I do generally pick the people with stories that I like. The "I need milk, gimme" ones or the ones with no detail may have true need but there's nothing there for me if you know what I mean. I'm not looking to dump my milk, if I were I could probably craigslist it to weirdos and have it be gone in a heartbeat.

Personally I like to know in small part why a recipient cannot nurse her child, I don't need her to justify herself, but "nursing is icky" isn't going to fly with me. I'm not pumping because you're too busy to do it yourself, you know? As long as you've tried and failed or you simply can't, I'm fine with that. My first kid I mismanaged my supply and it tanked, so I'm familiar with the "tried everything and it didn't work." I've had recipients with breast surgeries, moms with IGT, a mom who was deathly ill for weeks after the birth of her child, and several adoptee moms.

I like posts or messages with personality. By and large all recipients are driven moms; it's easy to get formula, it's much more difficult to track down milk. But I don't like it when they are so driven that they lose track of the people behind the milk. I'm not a commodity, I'm not just a person with a commodity. I'm not just your kid's next meal. Don't treat me like that, please.

One tip, while it may be uncomfortable asking or reminding people for money, if you would like to be reimbursed for bags, you may need to state so in your emails as not all recipients will give you money for bags, etc. Maybe remind them at the meeting. If you don't need the money or don't want it, that's fine, but I assumed that all recipients read the etiquette pages on the milkshare site and I got mad when I felt like several moms stiffed me. (See my earlier thread on moms not reimbursing if you'd like).

I also require that baby comes with. Again, if I wanted to get rid of my milk, I could Craigslist it to weirdos. I'd rather feed babies so I like to meet the baby I might be feeding. It's nice. I like it when the recipients have interest in my kids and especially when the recipients at least try to interact with my older child who is intensely interested in visitors. I also like it when people cancel if they have colds, as I have done so in return - I don't like sharing germs, thank you.

Wow, I never thought of all of these things before! Thanks for posting this!

Well huh...I swore I posted a response, but it seems to have been lost to the Internet. Thank you so much for the pointers!! And I think you hit the nail on the head with how the milk makes me feel. It's amazing what emotions we attach to it. It was a part of me at one point, and I guess I always thought it would be a part of her.

Here, here on the ice cream! I'm planning on Ben and Jerry's if I can swing it. Thanks again for your kindness and information, Jaz. It's always a little intimidating putting yourself out there for the first time, so your responses made me feel welcome.

I hope your week is wonderful!

braveangel2

I just joined milkshare and feel quite selfish that I want to donate specifically to an adopted child. I have two adopted siblings, an adopted nephew, and hope to adopt someday and LOVE the thought of someone being willing to donate milk to my future children, so I'm trying to make sure I can do that for someone else. But then I do feel bad in that if I couldn't produce enough (which happened for a few weeks there) I'd love for someone to donate as well... But still...

I think it's completely fine that you want to donate specifically to an adopted child. You are the one putting forth all the effort to donate, it SHOULD be on your terms! I wouldn't feel guilty about that at all.

I'm a donor recipient and am so thankful to all my donors, but hope they always 'wanted' to donate to me and didn't feel they had to. It should never be like that... go with your gut instincts on donating!

Depending on where you live, you may or may not have adoptive parents nearby so it might not be the easiest; there are certainly plenty of adoptive parents who have posted their willingness to pay for shipping as an alternative. As a donor, you have the right to prefer to donate to adopted kids, purple kids, or kids born in the month of May. If anyone thinks that is selfish, well, that's too bad. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else but you, frankly.

When I first posted, I was looking for a local recipient. Someone I could build a relationship with, and make continuous donations. I especially wanted to donate to someone who truly NEEDED breast milk. I didn't have a preference over age or anything - I just wanted to know that my milk was going to someone who needed it. I wanted my milk to make a difference.

With my last recipient, I chose her because her story touched my heart. She didn't live in my state, and drove 5 hours to get to me. When I read the message she sent me, I just *knew* she was the woman my extra milk was meant for. I really can't explain it, but it just felt right to give her child my milk. Even though we aren't close in location, I really hope to donate to her again, once my extra stash is built back up.